Obama’s marriage lessons for men

True, President Obama is different — and not because he is the first black US president ever, that too — but for our interest here, because he has been to his wife, Michelle, what many other women only experience when watching a Mexican love drama. Michelle is evidently living the so-much-read about but rarely experienced happily-ever-after — and not because she is the first black American first lady.

The sight of a husband in the company of his wife is not a new phenomenon. We see it everywhere we look. Even in local politics — we see the President accompanied by the First Lady on many occasions; ministers walking shoulder to shoulder with their wives on national days and so on. But it is from the Obama’s that we have witnessed high profile public display of affection. Walking side by side to attend a friends wedding or for the Jamhuri Day celebrations is no big deal; even separated couples are capable of that. It is the way the Obama’s hold, look each other in the eye and smile; the way they talk about each other and their marriage and their child-like playfulness that makes their marriage different. And we are yet to see this kind of action among many of our husbands and boyfriends.

In the Newsweek of February 23, Andrew Romano, in Our Model Marriage, writes: I think it’s the Obamas willingness to act in public much how they act in private — open, informal, flirtatious — that has incited most of the swooning." He goes on: "At the Youth Ball, I noticed the president do something that’s impossible to imagine any of his predecessors doing: resting his head, eyes closed, on Michelle’s shoulder."

Yes, even when everyone else was worried about his physical safety, Obama could still afford to "close" his eyes on Michelle’s shoulders.

The Obamas: To them, sticking close is so important that despite their busy careers, they still endeavour to strike a balance so that no one suffers. Photos: Courtesy

That shows trust, friendship and a resignation to love that was not faked for the cameras but sown and watered over the years. No wonder Obama said of her after his presidential victory in Chicago: "And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my BEST FRIEND for the last 16 years... the rock of our family, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, the nation’s next first lady... Michelle Obama." Which woman will not want to hear that from her partner?

Michelle knows how it came to this as she said in one of her many interviews: "Our relationship was first a friendship. It took off from there".

In October 1992, the Obamas chose Stevie Wonder’s song, You and I, as their wedding song. This choice says a lot about their intentions:

There is no doubt that the two have been true to the words in that song. The tradition in many Kenyan homes is never the Obamas’ ‘You and I’. A man takes a woman to be his wife then abandons her in his house as he goes out to "do business". She is left alone and exposed to life without the love she first saw in him and which penetrated her heart to break her defences. She lives a lonely life as her husband spends eons in the city ‘finding money’ or ‘doing politics’.

The wife of a Kenyan politician is often time unknown in the national arena. Her husband, a bigger-than-life figure, lives like a senior bachelor, making rounds in gigantic sports car without the wife to match. They fight to keep their family life secret, as if they have something to hide from the citizenry. Often times, however, they are trying to hide their secret lives from their wives, because they will be often seen in public places with college girls, while their wives are taking care of ‘wananchi kule mashinani’ (citizens in the grassroots).

Not so for Obama. His personal dreams have to be in sync with the dreams of his family. It is a fact that he treasures his wife and family than even the presidency. In August last year, months before he was elected to the Oval Office, Obama had said in an interview: "If I ever thought this was ruining my family, I wouldn’t do it."

I wish you could read that again. Being the president of the United States of America and Commander-in-Chief of the mightiest army in the world is a feat every man would die to attain. But Obama could have given it up for the sake of family.

How many separations and divorces have we witnessed in Kenya today because a man went to study abroad, got a job there and forgot he had left a wife behind? How many men deny their wives in public if it will spoil chances for them? How many of our men do not keep a ‘secret arrangement’ with whom they attend business parties because the wife will ‘embarrass him’?

Jocelyn Noveck in, Obama Marriage Inspires Fascination and Imitation, published in the Huffington Post captures the true sense of marriage as depicted by the Obamas: "... the Obama marriage represents a much more modern kind of White House romance: Two people who’ve both had important careers, who are trying to balance professional success with family stability, who are both playful with each other and mutually respectful, and who aren’t afraid to display their affection and chemistry — again and again".

When asked how she and Obama deal with being apart for an extended period, Michelle said: "We have adjusted to maintaining a really solid relationship at a distance. We talk every day, every night. If we have a moment, no matter how tired we are, we go on a date."

On his part, Obama is quoted by Ebony, The Hottest Couple in America, February 2007 as having said about creating time in marriage: "What I realise as I get older is that Michelle is less concerned about me giving her flowers than she is that I’m doing things that are hard for me — carving out time. That to her is proof, evidence that I’m thinking about her. She appreciates the flowers, but to her romance is that I’m actually paying attention to things that she cares about, and time is always an important factor."

Here is a couple that is continually working to ensure their marriage works. They find time for each other and when physical presence was not possible especially when Obama was on the campaign trail, they would get in touch by phone. Michelle said once: "Time and love and sacrifice and struggles make you stronger."

But do Kenyan men offer their ‘time and love’, are they patient enough in marriage to endure the ‘sacrifices and struggles’ that make a couple strong? By saying this, Michelle was implying that their marriage is not devoid of the everyday hardships every marriage encounters. In the beginning of the campaign, she used to open up about how he would scatter his socks and snore; and how she hated his smoking. In fact when he asked her whether she approved of his going for the presidency, she said yes on condition that he won’t be smoking at the White House. And reading his book, Dreams From My Father, one gets to understand that Obama was never an extraordinary man — he went through his youth doing most of the silly things young men do.

What makes Obama special, however, is that he is willing to learn and change. He is willing to do everything possible to ensure there is harmony in their marriage. This, men, is not to be henpecked; it is to be reasonable, and get it from a woman — it is romantic.

Source: http://www.eastandard.net/InsidePage.php?id=1144009996&cid=300