South Sudan Applies for Name Change - Glossy News (satire)

JUBA – The UN has officially confirmed that it has received a name change request from the freshly governing government of the Republic of South Sudan.

South Sudanese President Salva Kiir Mayardit has long expressed regret over what he views as the “hasty decision” regarding the country’s name.

“We were so focused on following the principles of national self-determination, negotiating a peaceful separation, working for economic stability and protecting human rights that we forgot to come up with a good name.”

The secretary general of the East African Community, Dr. Richard Sezibera, attempted to reassure the South Sudanese government last week during a visit to the South Sudanese Capital, Juba. Sezibera applauded Republic of South Sudan for its great achievements over the past year, but President Kiir was largely unmoved, grumbling, “Yes, yes, but peaceful relations, a strong economy, a robust democratic system; these are all things you can fix later. But with a name you’ve got one shot. And we blew it.

President Kiir later added, “And whose wise idea was it to throw ‘Republic of’ on the front? That’s real original, boys.”

President Kiir has since caused a national scandal by publicly revealing the – strictly confidential – other names that were considered, among which were Nile Republic, Cush, Sudan 2.0, Land-o-lakes, and Death Star III. He has also freely voiced his opinion on many of them.

“Nile Republic? That sounds nice. But Egypt already calls itself the Nile Republic, and after their revolution, we respect that title. Cush? I like the snappiness, but what do we call ourselves? Cushians?”

Vice President Riek Machar fully supports the president’s views. “In retrospect, it’s clear to me that the primary goal in the secession process was separating from Sudan. But ‘Republic of South Sudan’ is just one word different from ‘Republic of Sudan’, which is exactly the name of the country we were trying to separate from. This is ironic.”

“Also”, added Vice President Riek “‘Sudan’ is just a corruption of the Arabic word as-sooda, which means ‘blacks’.”

Whereas Kiir’s laments centered on the aesthetic, Riek worries more about the political ramifications of the name. “Historically, when a smaller chunk of a state separates from the main part, interesting developments stop taking place in the smaller chunk. Consider West Virginia breaking off from Virginia. Do you ever hear about West Virginia?”

The UN has welcomed the name change request with surprising grace. According to Deputy UN Secretary General Asha-Rose Mtengeti Migiro, “It’s actually not that big of a deal. We charge them $27,910 for the application and then all we have to do is change that little name plate you see on the table in front of the diplomat. That’s it. Sure, me and Bang-ki will probably call on them with the wrong name for the first few days, but that’s it.

But the move to change the name is not without inherent risks. “Historically,” explains Migiro, “when a nation expresses a desire to change its name, that can be a sign of other changes as well. For example, Sudan – excuse me, South Sudan – has started talking about moving their capital from Juba to Ramciel. And now they want to bring Swahili into the schools. Hakuna matata?”

Migrio’s analysis certainly has historic precedent. When the 13 Colonies of America changed their name to “The United States of America”, they entered a state of being united. When Persia changed its name to Iran, it experienced a severe crash in its rug industry alongside a boom in its signature radioactive product (Iranium). And every time Burma changes to Myanmar changes to Burma, no one feels like anything in the country is becoming more stable or predictable.

The extent to which the name will change remains uncertain. Several experts are betting on an African-sounding palindromic gambit (“Nadus Htuos fo Cilbuper”), while others foresee a more minimalist approach that emphasizes the separation from Sudan (“Republic of South”). Either way, If the UN receives all necessary documents on schedule, the name change could become official before the end of the decade.